A PLETHORA OF ANIMALS IN GOVERNMENT

If you think that animals are only found in the wild, in the zoo or in our homes, you are terribly mistaken. The hallowed halls of our government offices are actually teeming with them!

 

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  1. Opportunistic Vultures – are unscrupulous birds of prey. Though they primarily scavenge for dead animals that they can eat, vultures also feed on defenseless animals like newborns and the wounded. They habitually gorge themselves, sometimes to the point of having difficulty flying immediately after a meal.

Vulture-like people are always on the lookout for opportunities to make money. They hate to work, preferring to shadow other aggressive characters until opportunities arise. They circle these situations with infinite patience and have an uncanny ability to determine when the moment is ripe. Only when assured of a reward will they swoop in and take control. They can be extremely possessive with their prize and will defend it against all intruders. However, vultures won’t risk injury, and they take flight when the situation becomes volatile. They have a reputation as creatures that swoop in, take what they need, and disappear. Their loyalty is only binding for as long as their partner is actively contributing to their wellbeing.

Businesspeople who get into politics to enrich themselves more are the vultures in government.

 

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  1. Greedy Crocs – the ultimate predators, crocodiles have powerful appetites. They attack without subtlety or intelligence, using any weapon at their disposal. They think nothing of using dirty tricks to gain an advantage and have little sense of honor. Their mating style is cold-blooded and mechanical, for crocs prefer to devour their conquests whole.

Known for their ruthlessness, crocs have little conscience, compassion, or guiding philosophy save that of survival and self-interest. They are tough, street-smart and conceited. Beware the crocodile’s tears, because although they may run freely, they do not run deep.

DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre, particularly during the height of the P50-million BI bribery/extortion scandal and the house probe against Sen. De Lima, is the perfect example of a croc in government.

 

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  1. Wolves in sheeps’ clothing – cunning, duplicitous, ferocious and intimidating, cruelty is the wolves’ most defining characteristic. Often, they simply kill as much prey as is possible, regardless of hunger and appetite. Although savage and bloodthirsty, wolves are among some of the world’s smartest and most perceptive mammals.

A wolf in a sheep’s clothing is a person with a pleasant and friendly enough appearance that hides the fact that he is basically evil. He is intensely ambitious, aggressive, bloodthirsty and vicious, is notoriously loyal to his pack, works within a social environment, and is a highly territorial predator.

PNP Chief Ronald “Bato” Dela Rosa, especially when he turns on the waterworks during senate hearings, reminds me of a wolf in a sheep’s clothing.

 

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  1. Male Chauvinist Pigs – men, especially men with some power, who think that women are inferior or lesser than they are, and who express that opinion freely in both word and action. However, contrary to popular belief, one of the distinct characteristics of pigs is their cleanliness. It is, therefore, an insult to these social and intelligent farm animals to be used to refer to lowly chauvinists.

House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez, who unabashedly flaunts his mistresses and slut-shamed Sen. De Lima during the House probe on the latter’s alleged involvement in the drug trade in Bilibid, is the epitome of what a male chauvinist pig is. There are many others in government who are just like Alvarez, though. In fact, the President could give him a run for his money.

 

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  1. Crafty Chameleons – are best known for their distinct abilities to change colors easily and to look in two directions at once. A person who often changes his beliefs or behavior in order to please others or to succeed is referred to as a chameleon. In the government, political chameleons abound. They are the people who habitually conform to avoid discomfort. Senators Grace Poe and Chiz Escudero could be considered political chameleons.

 

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  1. Political Butterflies – are politicians who flit and float from one political party to the other, “driven by the politics of convenience and personal interest.”

Sen. Manny Pacquiao holds the record of being a world boxing champion in eight (8) weight divisions, while as a politician, he has changed political parties for seven (7) times already since he entered politics in 2007 —from Liberal Party to KAMPI to People’s Champ Movement to Nacionalista Party to PDP-Laban to UNA and, now, to PDP-Laban again. Whew!

 

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  1. Rats abandoning a sinking ship – are people who desert something or someone that is failing or about to fail. They do it with great haste and having only personal well-being in mind. In the recent history of the Philippine politics, these unfaithful, selfish and disloyal “public servants” are best exemplified by the honorable men and women who quit their allegiance to the Liberal Party when its presidential standard-bearer, Mar Roxas, lost to Duterte in 2016. Those rats are now affiliated with PDP-Laban, Duterte’s political party.

 

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  1. Parasitic Leeches – are boneless worms with two suckers (each on both ends of their bodies) that suck the blood out of their unsuspecting victims. They have huge appetites. They can ingest amount of blood that is five times bigger than their own weight. Leeches will detach from their victim only once they are full.

Most, if not all, politicians are leeches. They refuse to leave “public service” as long as there is still money in the public coffers that they can pocket. Their ultimate goal is to bleed their constituents dry through kickbacks and other personal moneymaking schemes. They consider their government positions as their cash cows.

Politicians who build political dynasties are parasitic leeches. Among them are the Ejercito-Estradas in San Juan, the Binays in Makati, the Cojuangcos in Tarlac, the Marcoses in Ilocos Norte, the Revillas in Cavite, the Singsons in Ilocos Sur, the Dutertes in Davao City, and the Ampatuans in Maguindanao.

 

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  1. Ass-licking Dogs – are persons who flatter and serve obsequiously to gain favor from somebody in authority. They will stop at nothing to impress that somebody, even if they end up looking like a fool.

Since Duterte is notorious for appointing his campaign supporters to various government posts regardless of a lack of necessary credentials and experience, his minions are now scrambling and elbowing their way to get to the good side of the President. The vicious and fake news-propagating DDS bloggers (and yes, Sen. Dick Gordon, too!) immediately come to mind when talking about ass-licking dogs.

 

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  1. Brainless Jellyfish – are distinct creatures because they are also bloodless, spineless, heartless, and their body has no left and right side. They are made up of 95%-98% water, and are extremely venomous. If you dare touch it, you can be in big trouble.

Sen. Tito Sotto can be considered a brainless jellyfish. Who could ever forget his brilliant answer when he was confronted about his privilege speech that was copied from at least five online sources? “There is nothing wrong with copying. Even our image was copied from God. We are all plagiarists.” The brainlessness of our honorable House Speaker, Congressman Pantaleon Alvarez, was likewise brought to our attention when he was aptly called an “imbecile” by the chief of staff of former BOC Commissioner Nicanor Faeldon.

 

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  1. Duplicitous Snakes – the symbol of Satan or the devil. Remember the serpent in the Bible, and the significant role it played in the Garden of Eden and the Fall of Man?

A snake is a creature with a dubious, sneaky and treacherous nature that shows particular cunning in its deception. Although basically shy and insecure, it has the ability to deceive with its poisonous wit and quick tongue. A cold-blooded animal with no sense of loyalty, it is not the most respected in the animal kingdom. When it comes to relationships, if a snake senses more warmth in a new partner, it slithers off without looking back even when it is in a committed relationship.

I cannot think of a more fitting example of a snake in government than the present occupant of Malacanang, Rody Duterte.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO MY TATAY DIGONG

Dear Tatay  Digong,

Marami po akong naririnig na negative things na sinasabi nila laban sa iyo at, bilang isa sa iyong 103-milyong mga anak, nasasaktan ako. Sino po ba namang anak ang gugustuhing matawag ang kanyang ama na psychopath, sociopath, demagogue, misogynist, pathological liar, murderer at plunderer? Wala po siguro. Subalit, ngayon, halos buong mundo ang tumutuligsa sa iyo dahil sa inyong mga kilos at pananalita. At, sadly, pati ang pagtingin nila sa ating bansa at sa mga Pilipino ay apektado.

Dati po, kilala ang Pilipinas bilang “Asia’s bastion of Christianity.” When foreigners would describe us, lagi nilang sinasabi na ang mga Pinoy ay mabait, masayahin, matulungin, madasalin at magiliw sa mga panauhin. Ngayon, may reputasyon na tayo bilang bastos, bayolente at kriminal.

Tatay, tanggap ko po na sanay kayo sa “gutter language.” Hindi nyo po inilihim sa amin ‘yan kahit na noong panahon ng kampanya. Pero nangako po kayo sa amin na, once elected at bilang respeto sa iyong posisyon bilang Ama ng Bansa, you will become dignified. Ang sabi mo pa nga, “cussing will be a thing of the past.” So, ano po ang nangyari? Mula sa Pope, sa mga Presidente at Ambassadors ng iba’t-ibang nasyon, hanggang sa mga journalists, human rights advocates, mga kalaban sa politika at kaparian — lahat sila ay nakatikim ng iyong infamous na pagmumura. Hanggang ngayon, sa mga public appearances nyo, hindi pwedeng hindi ka magmura.

Tinitingala ka namin, Tatay, at itinuturing na aming role model. Sana po, mas maganda ang mga naririnig naming salita mula sa ‘yo. Isa pa po, cursing the other heads of state will foster animosity between their countries and ours. Bilang isang third-world country pa naman, alam nyo po na hindi natin kayang mag-survive without the help of our allies. Hinay-hinay lang po, Tatay.

Sabi din po nila, wala kayong “Palabra de Honor.” Mahilig daw po kayong magbitiw ng mga pangakong alam nyo namang imposible nyong matupad.

Nangako kayo that you will “solve our traffic woes in 100 days.” Tatay, walong buwan na po kayo sa Malacanang pero ang traffic sa EDSA, lumala pa. Pangako nyo rin that you will fight “patronage politics” pero pinayagan nyo ang paglilibing kay Macoy sa Libingan Ng Mga Bayani, ang pagpapalaya kay GMA, ang pagpapatakas kay Peter Lim, ang pangangamkam ng China sa pinag-aagawang bahagi ng West Philippine Sea, at ang pagtatalaga ng mga showbiz personalities sa gobyerno. Totoo po na lahat sila ay nakatulong sa iyong kampanya pero, sana po, huwag ma-compromise ang kapakanan ng bansa sa pagnanais nyong makabayad ng utang na loob sa kanila. Country above all else po dapat, hindi ba?

Galit po kayo sa corruption, at hinahangaan ko po kayo dahil diyan. Pinagbantaan nyo pa nga dati ang mga corrupt officials na ihahagis nyo sila mula sa helicopter in mid-air, di po ba? E bakit nasa gabinete nyo pa po si Justice Sec. Aguirre? Very obvious naman during the senate investigation na plano nyang mag-extort ng pera mula kina Jack Lam. Pumutok lang ang issue kaya naghugas-kamay na lang siya. Si Sen. Pacquiao, malaki po ang atraso nya sa BIR. At si Sen. Cayetano, saang kamay ng Diyos po kaya niya nakuha ang malaking pera that he donated for your campaign?

Itong si Sen. Trillanes po, he claims na may hawak siyang mga documents proving na nagkaroon ng around P2.2 billion in deposit transactions sa bank accounts nyo. Para po mapahiya at tuluyan nang manahimik si Trillanes, bakit hindi na lang po kayo pumirma at mag-issue sa mga banko nyo ng waiver ng bank secrecy? That would effectively put to rest all these corruption allegations against you, Tatay.

Just the other day, during the celebration of International Women’s Day, you vowed to uphold gender equality. Mapaninindigan nyo po ba talaga ‘yan, Tatay, o isa na naman ‘yan sa marami mong rhetorical statements? Alam naman nating lahat na lagi nyong ipinagmamalaki ang pagiging matinik nyo sa chicks, na kesyo kaya nyong pagsabay-sabayin ang ilang babae sa buhay nyo. Hindi po ba’t isa nga ‘yan sa mga dahilan kung bakit nag-file ng annulment of marriage ang dati nyong asawa?

During the campaign, napulaan kayo dahil sa insensitive nyong comment about the Australian missionary na ginang-rape at pinatay ng mga preso. Kumalat din ang mga pictures nyo na nagpapaupo kayo sa hita at nanghahalik ng mga female supporters nyo. Nang naging Pangulo naman kayo, isa sa mga unang naging kontrobersya laban sa inyo ay ang pagpito nyo sa isang female reporter during a press conference. Hayan tuloy, sa Hollywood tv show na “Madam Secretary,” pinalabas nilang bastos ang Presidente ng Pilipinas. Kahiya-hiya po tayo sa buong mundo. Pero hindi po natin sila masisisi. Depictment lang po iyun ng kung ano ang mga naisusulat at napapanood tungkol sa inyo.

You also seem intimidated by strong women, especially women who have the balls to stand up to you. Nariyan sina Sen. De Lima (na hindi kayo tinantanan for your alleged human rights violations mula noong kayo pa ang Mayor ng Davao), SC Chief Justice Sereno (na kinwestyun ang paglalabas mo sa publiko ng mga pangalan ng mga “narco-judges”), Ombudsman Carpio-Morales (na pinaghinalaan mong siyang nagbigay ng go-signal na isiwalat ang iyong di-umano’y multibillion-peso bank accounts noong panahon ng kampanya), VP Robredo (na walang-tigil sa pagpuna sa mga patayan under your War on Drugs) at UN Special Rapporteur Agnes Callamard (na gustong imbistigahan ang spate of unlawful killings na nangyayari under your administration). Dahil parang hindi nyo alam how to deal with strong women like them, you resort to insult and threat. Tila, you want to humiliate them. You want to break them. You want to silence them. You want to control them.

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Photo credit: mironline.ca

Tatay, sa palagay nyo po ba, kung buhay pa ngayon ang inyong ina ay ikatutuwa niya ang mga ginagawa nyo sa mga kabaro nya? O ang pagpayag nyong mailibing sa LNMB ang diktador na si Marcos? Malamang po, hindi. Alam naman po natin na matapang niyang nilabanan ang lahat ng uri ng pang-aabuso noong panahon ng Martial Law, di ba?

Siguro po, dahil sa pagtingala din sa inyo bilang kanilang ehemplo kaya may mga supporters kayo na nangharass online dati sa mga kabataang babae na nakilahok sa protest rally against the controversial Marcos burial. Tatay, ganyan kalaki ang inyong kapangyarihan at impluwensya sa amin. Kaya kung gusto nyong maging magalang kami, sana po, maging mabuting modelo ka sa amin.

During your speeches, lagi nyo rin pong sinasabi na alam nyo ang ginagawa nyo dahil kayo ay dating abogado. Pero sa bibig nyo na rin po nanggaling that, when you were a city prosecutor in Davao, you used to plant evidence to help the authorities when going after criminals. Tatay, hindi po ako abogado pero sigurado po ako na ang ganoong gawain ay labag sa batas. Alam ko rin po na may batas tayo laban sa bribery. So bakit hindi nyo po kinasuhan ang Mighty Corp na, ayon kay Mr. Salvador Panelo, ay sinubukan kayo dating suhulan? Katulad ng claim ni DA Sec. Manny Piñol na binigyan siya ng isang malaking agricultural company ng Rolex watch worth P450k, ng claim ni Justice Sec. Aguirre na sinuhulan diumano ni dating Sen. Jamby Madrigal at Binan Rep. Alonte ng P100 million ang mga convicted druglords to recant their testimonies against Sen. De Lima, at ng claim ni Sec. Andanar na binayaran daw ng $1,000 ang mga reporters who covered the presscon of self-confessed DDS leader Lascañas. Totoo po ba ang mga claims at allegations na ‘yun, o produkto lang lahat ng fake news?

Tatay, you are aware how sensitive the Filipinos are sa usapin ng Martial Law. Marami pa pong sugat ang hindi naghihilom mula sa madilim at mapanupil na mga taon ng pamumuno nina Marcos. Kaya, sana po, huwag mong gagamiting banta ang pagdi-declare mo ng Martial Law under any circumstance. Ginagawa mo kaming parang mga bata na tinatakot mo when we step out of line. Hindi po nakakatuwa ang ganun, Tatay.

Naniniwala po ako na matapang ka pero bahag daw po ang buntot mo kapag China na ang kaharap mo. During the campaign, ang sabi mo, magji-jet ski ka papuntang Spratly, itatanim mo ang bandila natin doon at hahamunin mo ang mga Intsik sa suntukan o barilan. Bakit po ganun? Ngayon na kinakamkam nila ang malaking bahagi ng West Philippine Sea, biglang wala kayong magagawa dahil superpower sila? Tatay, teritoryo at kasarinlan po natin ang pinag-uusapan at ipinaglalabanan dito; ang lupain na iiwanan natin sa ating mga anak at sa kanilang mga anak. Huwag nyo naman pong isuko nang ganung kadali lamang ito lalo pa nga’t based on the ruling na ipinalabas noong isang taon ng Arbitral Tribunal ng United Nations, naipanalo po natin ang ating arbitration case against China. Tayo po ang may exclusive sovereign rights sa West Philippine Sea!

Nang nagsalita kayo sa harap ng ating mga kababayan na nasa Myanmar, sinabi po ninyo that you are against same-sex marriage dahil ayon po sa inyo, aside from our Civil Code, Katoliko tayo. Kung saan po kamo tayo ipinwesto ng Diyos, dapat doon lang tayo. Seryoso ka ba sa statement mong ‘yun, Tatay, o nagbibiro ka lang? Dati po kasi, namumula ako sa ginagawa mong pagmumura at pambabatikos sa Simbahang Katolika. Tapos, ngayon, ang paniniwala ng Katolika ang gagamitin mong sandata laban sa apela ng mga members ng LGBT community? Isa pa po, ito ang linya nyo during the campaign, “Same sex marriage is good. Everyone deserves to be happy.” Ano po ang nangyari? Sinabi nyo lang ba yun dati to secure their votes? That is not so good, Tatay.

During that same speech, sinabi nyo rin po na safe na sa Pilipinas. Sa punto pong iyon, I’m sure na nagjo-joke lang kayo.

Let me remind you, Tatay, that under your War on Drugs, mahigit 7,000 na ang namamatay ayon sa official report ng PNP. May mga “suspected” drug offenders, may mga cases of mistaken identity, at may mga bystanders – either during legitimate police operations o by rogue police officers o vigilantes na masyadong siniseryoso ang call nyo to “slaughter them all.” Just today, I heard the news about a Chemical Engineering magna cum laude graduate from UP Los Banos na bigla na lang nawalang parang bula. Nag-aabang siya ng sasakyan at 4 am dahil first day of work nya sa kumpanyang inaplayan niya. Meron rin pong isang 20-year-old na lalaki ang dinukot ng mga naka-bonnet na assailants at isinakay sa isang van na walang plaka. Ang lalaking yun ay papunta lang sa drug store para bumili ng gamot dahil may sakit ang kanyang baby. Safe ba kanyo?

Alam nyo po, everytime na lumalabas ng bahay ang mga anak ko, kinakabahan at natatakot ako. Pero, bilang ina, ang kaya ko lang pong gawin ay ang pabaunan sila ng mga habilin: (1) Huwag makikipagtinginan sa mga pulis; (2) Lalayo sa mga naka-motorsiklo, lalo na kapag riding in tandem o nakasuot ng bonnet; (3) Kapag naka-witness sila ng krimen, tumakbo palayo; at (4) Kapag namamaga ang mata nila dahil sa magdamagang pagre-review, magsuot ng colored glasses. Mabuti na po ang nag-iingat, ‘di po ba? Baka mapagbintangan silang drug addict, bigla na lang itumba at takpan ng placard na nagsasabing, “Addict ako, huwag tularan.” Hindi ko po kakayanin kapag nangyari sa isa sa mga anak ko ang ganun.

Isa pa po sa mga naririnig ko is that you cannot tolerate criticism. Kaya nga po yata galit na galit kayo sa ipinadalang video message ni VP Leni sa UN Commission on Narcotic Drugs ay dahil isiniwalat nya ang mga totoong kaganapan sa bansa dahil sa inyong War on Drugs. Masyado kamong “atat” sa posisyon si VP. At part lang kamo ang lahat ng ‘yan (pati na rin ang Impeachment Complaint na inihain laban sa inyo) ng destabilization plot against your administration. Tatay, sa tingin ko po, hindi na kailangan ang ibang tao to destabilize your government. Kayo lang po — kasama ang inyong mga kaalyado na sina House Speaker Alvarez, Senate Pres. Pimentel, Justice Sec. Aguirre, PNP Chief Dela Rosa, Solicitor General Calida, Senators Pacquiao, Sotto, Gordon at Cayetano, mga appointees na sina Cesar Montano, Perfecto Yasay at Mocha Uson, at ang mga ka-DDS ko at mga bayarang trolls — ay sapat na to do the job effectively. Self-destructing nga raw po ang administrasyon nyo e.

Finally po, Tatay, nakikiusap ako sa inyo. Stop inciting emotional chaos. Temper your emotions lalo na kapag nasa harap kayo ng publiko. And don’t try to silence the opposition. Dapat nga po, you welcome dissent dahil ‘yun ang katunayan na buhay ang demokrasya sa ilalim ng iyong pamumuno.

‘Tay, I really hope and pray that you will soon start acting like the unifying and dignified President that you promised us you will be. The country deserves nothing less.

Nagmamalasakit,

Ang inyong anak

 

PS: Don’t forget to take your meds, Tatay. Nag-iiba ang timpla nyo kapag nakaka-miss kayo e.

THE PRESIDENT’S BUCKET LIST

President Duterte, in his many speeches, has often intimated that he may not live to see the end of his six-year term. And considering the two incidences wherein he allegedly passed out (in Peru during the APEC summit, and in Malacanang during a recent huddle with three of his most trusted men), we now have more compelling reason to believe that the president might know something that we don’t —a reason that could explain why he seems to be constantly working under a tight deadline.

In any case, I decided to help our dear president by making his bucket list for him. And considering that I have already written a significant number of articles about this tough-talking leader, doing this list from his perspective turned out to be a piece of cake!

So, c’mon. Together, let us check out and keep track of Digong’s list of things he wants to do before he kicks the proverbial bucket. 😉


1. To make good on my promises by appointing my campaign supporters to various government posts

Mark Villar as the DPWH Secretary? Check.
RJ Jacinto as the Presidential Adviser on Economic Affairs and Information Technology? Check.
Kat De Castro as DOT Undersecretary? Check.
Arnell Ignacio as Pagcor’s Assistant VP for Community Relation and Services Department? Check.
Jimmy Bondoc as Pagcor’s Assistant VP for Entertainment? Check.
Aiza Seguerra as the Chairman of the National Youth Commission? Check.
Liza Diño as the Chairperson of the Film Development Council? Check.
Her father, Martin Dino, as the SBMA Chairman? Check.
Freddie Aguilar as the Chairman of the National Commission for the Culture and the Arts? Check.
Cesar Montano as the COO of Tourism Promotions? Check.

Blogger Lorraine Badoy as a DSWD Assistant Secretary? Check.

Blogger Mocha Uson as the PCOO Assistant Secretary? Check.

RJ Nieto of The Thinking Pinoy blog as a DFA consultant? Check.

(Martin Diño was bumped off his position by SBMA Administrator Wilma Eisma. He is set to be appointed DILG Undersecretary, though. Bondoc and Aguilar’s assumption of office, on the other hand, did not push through since both positions are not coterminous with the President’s tenure.)

I have also appointed at least half a dozen of my campaign donors and their relatives to the Cabinet and other positions, and have granted Robin Padilla absolute pardon.


2. To release former president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo from her four years of hospital arrest

As early as during the campaign, I already said that I found the evidence against that poor, innocent woman weak. Thank goodness, 11 of the SC Justices thought the same way I did.

After the release of Jinggoy, I also want to have Bong Revilla out of jail. It’s a promise I made to the Caviteños during the campaign.

3. To allow Ferdinand Marcos’ burial in the Libingan Ng Mga Bayani

I don’t care if doing so would piss off a considerable portion of the population, or if it would open anew the festering wounds of the past, or if it would not agree with how the various courts (both local and international), the Constitution and the history itself regard the late dictator. What’s of utmost importance is that I get to keep my promise to the family of my idol, especially to Madam Imee, one of my biggest campaign contributors.

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Photo credit: theintercept.com


4. To wage a bloody all-out war against illegal drugs

The number of drug addicts in the country is quite staggering and scary. I have to slaughter all these idiots. The more than 13,000 casualties so far since I assumed office constitute a mere drop in the bucket. Come on, people, Hitler killed 6 million Jews during the Holocaust! And don’t dare threaten me with a law suit. As the President of the Philippines, I have a presidential immunity. I’m also considering planning to pass a law before I step down to absolve me of all acts that may be construed as crimes. Or I could simply pardon myself for mass murder.


5. To sever our ties with the imperialist nations, particularly with the US that once 
denied my visa application

And what could be the swiftest and most effective way of doing that than cursing them all including their emissaries. Obama, you son of a whore! You, stupid and inutile United Nations, you son of a b***h! To the international press, p*******a ninyo! To the European Union, f**k you! Find me a Singaporean flag and I’ll burn it, son of a b***h! To the Australian government, stay out. This is politics! To US Ambassador Philip Goldberg, you gay son of a b***h!


6. To be besties with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Russian President Vladimir Putin

There are now three of us against the world —China, Philippines and Russia. It’s the only way. For those of you claiming that China is a bully, you are sadly mistaken. In fact, China magnanimously offered to build rehab centers in the country to address our problem with drug addiction. Never mind that most of the biggest drug lords operating on our shores are Chinese.


7. To make Leila De Lima suffer the way she made me suffer with her relentless probe on the Davao Death Squad during the years I was Mayor of Davao

I will expose her colorful love life for everyone’s scrutiny and I will draw a drug matrix to uncover her role in the drug trade in Bilibid. The heck with proof and evidence. I just need to smear her reputation and besmirch her spotless public service record. Oh, okay, maybe I can use a handful of the convicted criminals in Bilibid, a self-confessed drug lord, and a scorned ex-lover to fabricate some stories to further implicate her. This is going to be one spectacular show in Congress that the gullible Filipinos will fall for.


8. To establish my own religion

What if there’s no God? Would you still want to be part of the most hypocritical institution, the Catholic Church? I have a new religion now, the Iglesia Ni Duterte. Come, join me. Who knows, maybe my God will also have a two-way conversation with you like He did with me when He made me promise never to curse again.

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Photo credit: thesummitexpress.com


9. To meet, face-to-face, the most beautiful woman in the universe

This happened when our very own Pia Wurtzbach, the reigning Miss Universe, paid me a visit in Malacañang. Aside from chatting about our recent wins in our respective fields and about our beloved Mindanao, we also took some selfies. Cool!


10. To desensitize the Filipinos to violence and aggression

With 5,617 drug-related deaths in 5 months, the death toll now averages at 37 a day. And people prefer to go out into the streets to protest the burial of a former president rather than mourn the death of these drug addicts and drug pushers. I must be doing something right. Presently, I’m also working on desensitizing them to my incurable swearing and potty mouth (I do not have to clean up my mouth. I am a president, not a diplomat!), to the lack of decency and integrity among most of my officials and supporters, and to the blatant disregard of the law. I cannot accomplish the countless promises I made during the campaign if I will be a stickler for the rules.


11. To help our law enforcers regain their lost glory and confidence

I will take good care of them by promising to double their salaries, monitoring the condition of their camps, providing all that they need in fighting the enemies of the state, and protecting them from any legal trouble. Should they commit “lapses” in the performance of their duties especially during the execution of Oplan Tokhang and Oplan Double Barrel, they would not have to worry about ending up behind bars. I will grant them pardon. Did you see what I did with Supt. Marvin Marcos, the CIDG Region 8 Chief who was relieved by Bato due to his alleged involvement in illegal drug trade? I ordered his reinstatement that same day that he was sacked from his post. And when he and his team were implicated a few days after in the killing of Mayor Rolando Espinosa, who they said shot at them while they were serving Espinosa a search warrant in his jail cell before the crack of dawn, I readily believed their story. Not even the NBI findings can sway me.


12. To reinstate death penalty

That is the only way to ensure that criminals pay for their sins in case God does not really exist. I don’t care what the “bleeding hearts” and human rights groups have to say but, when that bill is passed, death penalty can easily be meted out to anyone convicted of possession of dangerous drugs, among other crimes.


13. To lower the age of criminal liability from 15 years old to 9

Organized crimes and adult offenders are purposely capitalizing on these children below 15 to commit crimes such as drug trafficking because the criminals know that the children cannot be held criminally liable for their actions. So, parents, look after your kids. When your 9-year-old babies violate the law, they can no longer get off the hook that easily.


14. To put up a revolutionary government as a precursor to my long-time dream of federalism

Don’t listen to the crap peddled by the paranoid. It is not true that a “revolutionary government would be much more totalitarian because it is extra-constitutional”; that I “would have absolute power”; that I “can abolish key institutions like Congress, like the courts”; and that I “can introduce a new political system, legal system, social system, economic system.” That’s just all crap —a product of their wild imagination. Nothing more.

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VP Leni, hired through phone call, fired through text message? Photo credit: adobochroniclesdotcom


15. To annoy and humiliate Leni until she, on her own accord, decides to leave my cabinet

Before the international and national media, I will tease her about her relationship status, the short skirt she once wore during a cabinet meeting, and her nice knees and legs (that I and Carlos Dominguez ogle at). I will slash the budget of HUDCC by half, I will not act on her appointment recommendations, and I will not sign any EO she will endorse for my approval. As a coup de grâce, I will have Jun text her to let her know of my instruction for her to desist from attending all cabinet meetings henceforth. And being the epitome of decency, I’m sure that she will be extremely insulted by the rudeness and will resign right away. These yellowtards are pathetically predictable. They’re nothing like my beloved Dutertards.


16. To watch Pacquiao beat Mayweather –to a pulp. And to see the People’s champ as my successor in case Bongbong doesn’t make it.

Alan Peter Cayetano? He’s nothing more to me than a lowly lapdog and a reliable errand boy.


17. To declare Martial Law if the threat of illegal drugs further escalates

I have already tested the waters when I once warned Sereno of not interfering in my campaign against drugs, lest I would be forced to declare Martial Law. I also issued a warning that I may suspend the writ of habeas corpus if lawlessness persists. Unfortunately, people showed massive resistance in both occasions. But, hey, I managed to declare a national state of lawlessness following the deadly blast in Davao. I was also able to successfully place the country under Terror Alert level 3 following the foiled bomb attack near the US Embassy. There’s still hope, I think. It’s just a matter of impeccable timing.


18. To suspend Nur Misuari’s trial and have the arrest warrant against him lifted

He is the MNLF Chairman and I need him in the peace talks. Let us temporarily set aside the fact that over 200 people were killed and thousands more were displaced during their 20-day attacks on Zamboanga City in 2013. I also released Communist leaders for the peace negotiations between the government and the CPP-NPA-NDF.

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Photo credit to the owner


19. To help the Marcoses make their way back into Malacañang

The reason why I was hesitant to offer Leni a cabinet position right after I assumed office was because of Bongbong. He is my friend, and I did not want to hurt his feelings. Also, I am deeply indebted to the Marcoses. First, my father used to be a cabinet member of the late Ferdinand Marcos. Second, thanks to the Marcoses, I got an overwhelming support from the Ilocanos during the last elections, while I failed miserably in Bicol. Third, Gov. Imee was one of my campaign donors when I ran for office. And, fourth, I have always idolized Pres. Marcos. He was the brightest president our country has ever had. If the choice was solely mine, I would have Bongbong for my VP. In fact, that’s how I introduced him to the Filipino community in China –as my second in command. It’s a good thing, though, that Bongbong has his electoral protest. There’s a chance that he will still be my VP. As Bongbong confidently puts it, “I will eventually take my seat that is being kept warm for me.”


20. To be hailed as the best president in the solar system

I want to make my supporters proud, so when the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) conferred upon me what could possibly be the biggest honor any man could ever receive, I was ecstatic. Finally, a legit agency has acknowledged my burning desire to change this country —even if it costs me my life.

OPENING A CAN OF WORMS (A MOM’S TAKE ON THE ISSUE OF LGBT)

A friend got in touch with me the other day. She said that she needed to talk to me about something really important.

Apparently, she has a nagging suspicion that her eldest son could be gay. She asked me if I knew anything about homosexuality since she knows that I happen to like reading and doing research. She was wondering if her son might just be suffering from a severe case of identity crisis and if it is still “treatable”. She was also curious if they should seek the professional opinion of a psychiatrist.

The controversial and below-the-belt statement of Manny Pacquiao recently that same-sex couples are worse than animals (not to mention the international uproar that that insensitive statement caused!) made me analyze anew my views on Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Transgenders (LGBTs), in general, and LGBT relationships in particular.

Let it be noted that I do not claim to be an authority when it comes to the nature of LGBTs. I have never had a gay or lesbian friend before – not because of anything else, but I just wouldn’t know how to act around them. They all seem to be in a constant state of euphoria, while I’m more of the contemplative type. I wouldn’t understand their colorful lingo either.

However, if there is one thing that I am absolutely sure of, it is this: Homosexuality is NOT a disease that can be cured, not even with a wonder drug. Neither is it an epidemic that should be avoided like the plague. It’s not a phase that one outgrows after some time, or a mental disorder that requires psychiatric treatment. It’s not also a lifestyle choice that one makes in a whim.

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Homosexuality, I believe, is more than that. Much more than that.

It is one’s sexual orientation or identity influenced by both biological and environmental factors. Homosexual behavior is equally a normal aspect of human sexuality as is heterosexual behavior.

Sadly, though, homosexuals in most societies often become victims of prejudice and discrimination in the forms of harassment, violence and abuse. For many years, for instance, homosexuality has been considered a form of mental illness by mainstream psychologists and psychiatrists. Moreover, there are 81 nations today that implement anti-homosexuality laws and at least 10 that impose death penalty for homosexual behavior and same-sex activity. (Source: 76crimes.com) Can you believe that?!!! And, of course, there will always be people like Pacquiao who are hiding their homophobia and bigotry behind the cloak of Christianity.

Sometimes, I myself wonder. What if I happen to have a homosexual child? What will I do? Can I accept him for what he is?

And, the answers that I extorted from deep within my heart as a mother are these: I love and will always love all my children, equally and unconditionally, regardless of their gender or sexual identity. If one of them happens to be homosexual, I will accept him wholeheartedly. But, I would also try my best to prepare him for the cruel and harsh world that he would have to face outside of our home – the bullying, the censure, the verbal attacks, disparaging remarks and insults, the betrayal, the heartaches, the loneliness. The mere refusal of society to accept him! I would make him understand that a lot of people would reject him not because of who he is, but because of what he is. He would likely be judged not based on his credentials or personality, but on his sexual orientation. People who smile at him, laugh with him, are nice to him when he is looking may smirk at him, mock him, and even stab him in the back when he is not. Yes, people could be that vicious, especially to something that they could not fathom or relate to. Finally, I would try to instill in him the value of compassion, for it is only in being compassionate could he forgive other people’s insensitivity and heartlessness. It is only in being compassionate could he understand the love behind his family’s every decision for him. It is only in being compassionate could he see and be thankful for all the lessons behind his struggles. It is only in being compassionate could he accept and love himself completely.

Because I think that a homosexual’s – or anyone else’s for that matter – most bitter, most cruel and most unforgiving enemy could actually be himself.